Tag Archives: crossfit humor

by

Well those were fun!


I had commented last week about how August had not been as warm as we are used too. The weather gods heard my snide remark and provided a retort. Their retort was a giant middle finger of humidity. Walking out the front door at 5:15am into an atmosphere of swamp air. Good times.

Heat

MON-FITNESS

10 Rounds

9 Wall Balls s(30/20) f (20/14)

6 Burpees to 6″ Target

3 Clean and Jerks s(185/125) f(135/95)

***25 minute cap***

Summary: Doesn’t look bad, right? Wrong. I switched out med balls because the first one got so covered in sweat I couldn’t catch it. Literally slipped through my hands. Ever have to switch spots on the floor for burpees because it was so slippery? I did. Looked like someone sprayed the floor with a hose. It’s not right. I should be studied. It’s improbably for so much sweat to be generated.  Finished it in 24 and change. The burpees truly were the hardest part. Did 135 weight for C&J’s. Probably could have done 155 instead. 185 would have been too much. It’s not the jerk, which for me is a strict press because I refuse to listen to coaches, it’s the clean, or in my case, the reverse curl, because again, I refuse…you know how that ends.

balls

TUES-FITNESS

“HELEN”
3 Rounds for time:
Run 400m
21 KB Swings (1.5/1pd)
12 Pullups

Summary: Any of our fellow cultfit followers immediately grimaced when they saw the name. She’s a bitch. I felt like I was running through pancake batter. I’m not built for speed. It was more trudging than sprinting. Did ring rows instead of pull ups. KB swings and RR were all unbroken. They aren’t the hard part. It’s the stupid running. Why run when you can deadlift? That’s my motto. Checked the lovely performance history tab in Wodify, and the worst time. Ever. Still a hell of a workout. Also did early birds which is a WOD before the WOD, and Gabe was coaching so the warm up was aggressive. There we go. All rationalized out.

helen

 

WED-FITNESS
Close Grip Bench Press
3-3-3-3-3
+
7 Min AMRAP
10 Pushups s(ring pushups)
20 Air Squats

Summary:

Bench press?!?!? Yes. Almost as good as deadlift day. Almost. Also did early birds this morning which was dips and push ups, I think. Felt pretty good. Jumped from 225 to 255 which was probably to aggressive. Got two and the third required some curling from the spotter. It happens. All in all I was happy with it.  The burner afterwards was fun. Again with the sweating. Did I mention it was hot this week?

FRI-FITNESS

Every 2 minutes for 20 minutes complete:

25 Double Unders/75 Singles

1 clean

***add weight every 2 sets starting at 60% of 1RM. Find a new 1RM***

Summary:

Cleans and I have had an unfriendly relationship for the past couple of years. Logically I should be able to clean 275 without much issue. Front squat is 300, deadlift is 455. Really shouldn’t be a problem here. Instead i have been stuck at 195 for two years or so. Finally got 200 Friday morning which felt pretty good. Attempted and failed 205 several times. I should have recorded the lifts. I was pulling it plenty high. Probably snatch height for most people, who you know….drop under the bar instead of what I do, which is reverse curl it to my neck. Also learned that I really like RX jump ropes. All of my singles were unbroken. The rope was very smooth. Definitely purchasing one.

It Never Happens LIke This!

 It Never Happens LIke This!

Three shirts bit the dust this week. You know it’s time to chuck it when you offend yourself. I apologize to those at City Dock Coffee Friday morning. Yeah, my bad. There isn’t enough Febreze to fix that one. Had to go. Just shy of a decade. Again, I am sorry. Smelled like Victory! And remember, we ….

wod-for-beer

by

The Open is Closed.

15.5
 15.5 We all saw it coming. We knew it would be thrusters, and a lot of them, and guess what. Thrusters. Thruck Fusters.  It could be worse. No burpees!!! I  was prepared as I could possibly be. Bullet Proof coffee in the morning.  Followed by a little BSN NO-Xplode…happy hour!  Last night’s IPA’s will have absolutely no effect whatsoever.

15.5 thruster

Going in I was thinking it wouldn’t be bad. I could break up the thrusters in halves since it’s 95lbs,  not super heavy, just a lot of legs. Rowing isn’t bad, just hard pulls to get a calorie a stroke. No worries! Then I watched the 900am class suffer through. I couldn’t leave. People had already seen me. A quick chat with someone who had completed it, and was finally fully functioning, resulted a in a rethink. Cut the thrusters in thirds.

27 cals went quicker than I thought it would. Set of 9. rest. Set of 9. rest. Set of 9. Back on the rower. 21 cals. Set of 7. Set of 7. Set of…whumph. What just happened! I can’t breathe and my legs don’t want to push back up. Finished the last set and then started 15 and that’s when the fun began. Coach Christa the Fembot in my ear, “you won’t catch your breath, just GO!”. “Back on the bar”. I calculated it would take me between 12 and 15 minutes to finish and it turned out to be 14:43. It’s not a matter of strength, it was a matter of wind. I was chasing something I couldn’t catch. My breath. Need to fix that.

Kicked

Two Natty Boh’s, and a Progenex shake and I was back to normal. I usually opt to go in the second round because, well nobody wants to go first, and I want to get it over with and it provides the opportunity to cheer on those who are still going through it. That’s they key with CrossFit. Something the other gyms won’t get. It’s the community. It’s the support and friendships. After that WOD, there was a potluck happy hour. As you can imagine, carb city. Krispy Kreme, pasta salads, chips,..you name it.

This year’s Open was by far my favorite. The scaled WOD’s were challenging however very doable. 15.4 was my favorite. Hit 100 reps. I happen to like push press and that helped significantly. 15.5 was the most difficult, however I liked it and hope it finds it’s way into the 12Labours rotation. You know it’s a good when you are washing down two Aleve with a a Manhattan a few hours after the WOD. Of course, looking forward to the 12Labours Team heading to Regionals, and then back to the Games. We expect great things!

12Labours

3, 2, 1….

by

WOD: Cindy…we all know her and love her….

thecindyworkout

 

It is April, which means May is right around the corner, which also means Murph is coming. What’s the best way to prepare for Murph? By doing Cindy of course! Twenty rounds of Cindy sandwiched between mile runs. Your friends will be at BBQ’s, opening pool parties, you know, enjoying themselves while you and the rest of the CrossFit addicted horde will be running pulling and pushing. Yay.

In my mind this is what “Cindy” looks like. She can’t hurt you. The highest rep count is 15 and it’s squats. You do this all day every day. How can this possibly be hard. She wouldn’t hurt you. She’s little and innocent. You are going to crush this…in twenty minutes there is no reason why you logically can’t get at least 20 rounds. At least. No way you get less. It’s Cindy.

I wouldn't hurt you...

 

Here is a picture of you before Cindy.

Bullet proof coffee, Kill Cliff, exuding confidence and pissing excellence. You are a mixture of Froning, Ricky Bobby, and the Hulk. Nothing will stop you from destroying Cindy. She stands no chance. She will run and cower in the corner.

Games08JeremyPostRun_th

 

Chalked, taped, stretched, rolled, rowed, and assault biked. You are warm, limber, caffeinated and fueled. 3,2,1 GO! Jump on the bar, get your grip right and…what the hell? How is that person already on push ups? shoot. I better get going. Knock out the first round in less than a minute. You own it. This feeling continues, until about five or six rounds in. Time to Suck it up Buttercup. Dig deep.

The rubber mat feels cool against your face as you have now resorted to hand release push ups. Don’t fall into that trap. Keep pushing. When squatting all you see is your sweat imprint on the floor from the push ups. That’s weakness leaving the body. It’s a good thing. Another pool has formed on the floor between your feet. Damn, should have invested in that Rogue headband!

Hands are starting to tear but it doesn’t matter because you are over halfway there and while 20 rounds may be out of reach you are however on pace to PR. No stopping you now. Damn, she is still doing unbroken push ups. How? Isn’t she tired!! WTF.

Three minutes left and you need two full rounds. No problem. Does that person not feel pain? Jeez…they have been doing two rounds to my one round. How the hell do they do that? Can’t focus on them. Finished the second round and started the third…you Pr’d but have to keep going. TIME! Because you are a bad ass you finish the round and this happens:

Mommy…?

Mommy…?

The walls are vibrating. Can’t really catch your breath. You’ve never sweated this much….of course you have. You are a CrossFitter. We sweat a lot. Heartbeat is finally slowing down. Need water. Vision is back to normal. Whew. Thankfully that is over. The average person would have quit halfway through. You have done more in the past twenty minutes than most people will accomplish all day. The hardest part of your day is over. Time to EAT!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mommy…?

by

Playground Etiquette

20130917-052218.jpg

Yes. That’s right. I called it a playground. We jokingly refer to the gear as “toys”. We all have our own favorite “spot” on the playground where we are stronger, or gravity is weaker, or it gives us a better look at the clock…or some of the other members. Beware. I’ve had a little too much coffee today and I’m hungry. Those of you who know me, know that is not a good combination.

I think it is time to instill some eitiquette guidelines….actually, no,…straight up rules. You break them. Burpees, followed by more burpees, with a cash out of pistols and TGU’s. Seriously, your Mom doesn’t work there and if she does you are old enough to clean up after yourself. Turd.

CrossFit Rook’s Rules of Conduct:

Show up on time. “On Time” means ten to fifteen minutes early so you can fill you water bottle, tape what needs taped, get your shoes, wraps, bands, chalk, and whatever else you need in order to kick the WOD square in the tail. Class starts at the posted time. That doesn’t mean you waltz in at that time and then do your stuff.

Do the Whole Warm Up:

I am guilty of this, big time. Starting October 1, it is a short term goal to do the whole warm up. Even it if is an 800M Indian Run which in my opinion have no place whatsover in a warm up. Anything more than 400 is too much. It’s a warm up for the workout, not a workout before the workout.

Introduce Yourself:

Say good morning or hello to people whom you do not recognize and introduce yourself. Good rule of thumb is if you don’t know them, they probably don’t know you either. See how that works? In most cases they are fellow torture lovers who usually attend different class times. In other cases they may be a drop in which means they are traveling, staying in a hotel, eating crappy food, and are away from their friends and family. A cheerful greeting and handshake go a long way.

Don’t Complain:

The WOD’s are challenging and generally suck. We don’t pay a sum of money equal to a car payment in order to be instructed on how to complete cable curls and the pec deck. Of course they are hard. Of course they are going to be difficult. That’s the point.

Depending on who does the programming, and what model they are following, there may be some repetitive stuff. Now you’ll get better at it. A good example was earlier this week. We had J.T. which is a hero WOD, and could mean just triceps. Two days later we had close grip bench and wall runs. My shoulders and tris were jello. Now they’ll come back stronger, probably in three to six weeks.

Listen, then ask Questions:

The Coach will go through the WOD, the movements, the rep counts, the whole thing. At least give them the courtesy of being quiet and attentive. Let them go through everything before you ask questions, unless of course, they ask if anyone has questions. That would be a good time to ask.

Give 100% and be Honest:

Don’t scale to get a faster time and don’t short count reps. That’s B freakin’ S. Scale if you really can’t do the movement or the weight, or if you have been hitting it hard and need more of an active rest WOD than a beast maker. Talk to the Coach, they will be able to help you determine what is the right substitute. Short counting reps is the equivalent of taking money out of the collection plate at church. Don’t cheat!

Cheer on your Fellow Twisted CrossFitters:

What is the best way to cool down after a WOD? Cheering for those who are not yet done. Awesome work, you killed it, now go talk the new person or drop in through the rest of their WOD.

Put Away Your Toys:

The primary reason I don’t do the whole warm up? I go to 6:00am class and I spend the first ten minutes or so cleaning up the stuff that was left out from the day before. Bands still hanging from the pull up bars. Bumper plates left against the wall from HSPU. Barbells left on the rack from squatting. Rollers, ab mats, water bottles, weight belts……

Clean up after yourself. Put your stuff away where it belongs when you are done. If something was where it wasn’t supposed to be when you got there, and it’s still there when you are ready to leave, guess what? Put it away. Please. With Progenex on top. And maybe a pair of Hylete shorts on the side. Come on people. Legally, you are adults. Give others a hand in putting their stuff away as well.

Ring the Bell:

We have a bell that hangs from the wall. Ring it when you hit a PR or hit a “first”. Celebrate the win. Good attention is good. Miley Cyrus attention is bad. Really bad. No twerking.

Stretch/Roll/Cool Down:

You just spent 20 – 40 minutes tearing muscle fibers, driving your heart rate through the roof, and all in all, beating the total hell out of your yourself. Take five to ten minutes and cool down. Get a roller and hit the quads and upper back. Grab a band and hit the lats, chest, shoulders, hamstrings and calves. Hips are probably a good idea as well. Water or coconut water works wonders.

Drink the Kool-Aid:

Go all in. Give 100% if you expect to get 100% in return. That does not mean you have to drop $150 on strength shoes or buy out Lululemon before your first class, however it does mean you should become a student of the game. Countless websites offer a veritable cornucopia of free information about CrossFit and everything that goes into it. Spend fifteen to thirty minutes a day reading about CrossFit and all of the fun stuff that goes with it like Trigger Point, Paleo, Zone, Olympic LIfting, etc. and of course, reading CrossFit Rook.

Hit it hard today.

CrossFit Rook

by

CrossFit Dictionary

20130630-080052.jpg

If your friends CrossFit, you’ll know it because it’s all they ever talk about! The dictionary below should be useful to those CrossFit or who have friends who CrossFit and have io idea what their friends are talking about. Also good if you need a laugh!

21-15-9: favorite rep scheme for many of the Metcons. 45 reps in total, however it feels more like 450. Always starts out with: “That doesn’t look too bad.”

400M: Stupid, incessantly annoying runs, usually around a building. Best completed while inhaling diesel fumes, or dodging traffic.

6am’ers: Cheery, coffeeholic members who only show up at 6:00am. May be treated as Noobs at weekend classes or clinics, simply because other members do not know they exist. If one shows up at an afternoon class, look out. The world may end. Same can be said if an afternoon regular shows up at a 600am class.

Airdyne/Assault Bike: Ungood all around. Part stationary bike, part punching drills, all nasty. You are doing it right if the sweat dripping off your nose is levitated by the fan spinning. Really doing it right if the sweat comes back at you!

Burpee: Banned by the Geneva Convention in 1899 as unfair punishment. Adored by CrossFit instructors worldwide. Originally named the Squat Thrust by gym coaches. Burpee sounded more friendly. Sadly, we were duped. Squat down, kick your legs back, do a push up, bring your feet to your hands, jump in the air, clap your hands over your head. Repeat. Vomit. Could be used as punishment for politicians who cannot come to an agreement. Burpees until they resolve all outstanding issues.

Cleans: Explosive Olympic lift where you take the bar from the floor to your shoulders by jumping and pulling yourself under the bar. Otherwise known as a reverse curl. Requires lots of practice and should be practiced with a dowel or empty barbel every day.
Tutorial

Double Unders: Fap, ow. Fap, shoot. Fap, Damnit! Fap, how many singles do I sub? The rope passes under your feet twice instead of once. Easier for smaller lighter people. The rest of us look like our legs have been whipped.
Tutorial

Ewwww: Common retort when the WOD is a mix of Turkish Get Ups, Bulgarian Split Squats, Box Jumps, and Burpees

Fem-Bot: Usually starts out with a thought: “She’s cute, I’ll work out next to her.” Turns into “She has more weight on her bar, she’s moving faster, and is completely crushing me. I need to leave, now.” Worst outcome is she’s the trainer. More weight will miraculously appear on your bar if left unattended. She wants to make you better. Your ability to survive the WOD is inconsequential.

Goals: Can’t hit something if you don’t know what it is. Track your progress and set goals for thirty days out. Look at the WOD before you go in and have a plan of the weight you will use along with any substitutions. Talk to the trainer and ask if they agree.

Hand Stand Push Ups: It starts with getting upside down and the putting your feet against the wall. Then lower your head to the floor and push yourself up. Good times. You will fall. Everyone does. HSPU is the warning, I mean abbreviation.
Progression Tutorial

Innov-8’s: Minimalist running shoe favored by CrossFitters because of the simple design and low heel height. Surprisingly more expensive than regular sneakers even though they have less material. Cool color combinations, which is handy because you’ll have several pair. Addict.

Jerk: Pushing the barbels over head by dropping under the bar and straightening you arms and engaging your shoulders. I have been accused of completing a push press instead of a jerk. Obviously they can’t see the difference.
Tutorial

Kipping: Pretty much the foundation of the majority of lifts and movements we complete. Explosive hip drive movement. Takes a lot of practice to do it correctly. More commonly used with pull ups. Progression Tutorial

L-sits: Horrible. No idea who came up with them. Incredible for strong arms, shoulders, and core. Starts on the floor with PVC pipe where you kick your legs out in front holding them parallel to the floor. Torso is perpendicular to the floor. Pros do it on the rings. Example

Metcon: We lift weights to get stronger. We lift weights faster for cardio. Short for metabolic conditioning. High intensity cycle consisting of lifts and either running, rowing, or body weight exercises like pull ups, HSPU, etc. My personal favorite is Diane. 21-15-9 225 dead lifts and HSPU. You won’t die. You’ll just feel like it.

Nanos: Brought to us by Reebok. Direct competition for the Innov-8’s. Favored by CrossFitters For the low height and versatility. Favored by Reebok because of the price. Lots of cool colors and they are customizable if you want to wait two to three months.

Omergawdddd: Common response when someone tries a heavier than normal weight for a dead lift or clean. Also common response when asked “How was the WOD?”

PR: Personal record. We celebrate them all. Could be for the fastest 400 meter, heaviest triple, getting a double under or a rope climb. If the box doesn’t have a PR bell or a board dedicated to track these, find a new box.

Quit: No meaning because it doesn’t exist. Similar to unicorns and Sasquatch. There is no quit.

Rx: Completed as prescribed. Followed the weights and movements with zero substitutions. You graduated.

Sweat Angel: Think snow angel minus the snow. The WOD is over and you crushed it. Assume the position. Flat on your back on the floor, arms and legs sprawled out like a starfish. Eventually the walls will stop shaking. Take a picture and post on Facebook. You accomplished more in an hour than most will do all day.

Turkish Get Ups: Nobody likes these. Evil drill which consists of holding a weight overhead while standing up from the floor and them laying back down. Tutorial

Uberfit: Clothing company which one day may be as big as Under Armour. Clothing for athletes designed by one of our own! You Need A New Shirt

Victory: You did it! Celebrate every win. Ring the bell and track it in the log book.

WTF?: Common thought when the WOD doesn’t make sense or the trainer has an 800 meter run in the warmup.

X-out: What we do to goals. Hit the goal. Cross out the goal. Add a new goal.

Yowsa: Prescribed response when a fellow CrossFitter hits a new PR or when you hit one. It is a team sport. Celebrate everybody’s wins. Best way to cool down? Cheering for the people who aren’t done yet!

Zercher Carry: Carrying a significant amount of weight by making an L with your arms. The barbell or yoke rests in the crook of your arms. Usually carried for 50 to 100 feet.
Example

Links to other CrossFit dictionary’s.

CrossFit Active Performance

Arenal Fitness

CrossFit Manassas

Thank you for reading and have a great day.